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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS.

I was visiting my daughter last night when...

I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century Dad" she said,

"We don't waste money on

newspapers. Here… use my iPad."


I can tell you this….. that fly never knew what hit him...
 

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Hee Hee.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
This is cool!!

I KNOW ya'll get "Jokes" in your emails every day. Let's share The GOOD ones here!!:cool:

As I enjoy my twilight years, I am often struck by the inevitability that the party must end. It'll probably be a clear, cold morning..........when there isn't any "more." No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together – no more phone calls just to chat.

The most important thing to do before that morning comes is to let everyone in your family and each of your friends know that you care about them by letting them know what's in your heart & convey to them the guiding principles in your life so they can always say, "He was my friend, and I know where he stood."


So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please know this:

I voted against that incompetent, lying, flip-flopping, insincere, double-talking, radical socialist, terrorist-excusing, bleeding heart, narcissistic, scientific and economic moron currently in the White House.......& if you participate in a gun buy-back program because you think criminals have too many guns, that's like having yourself castrated because you think your neighbors have too many kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.

My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'"
 

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A man received the following text from his
neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with
guilt and I have to confess. I have been
tapping your wife, day and night when you're
not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any
at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope
you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into
his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a
word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct. I meant "WiFi," not "wife."
 

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That's why there should be a 3 day waiting/cooling off period after reading a joke!

At a party at a bar a man sitting at a table having a beer when a somewhat heavy set inebriated woman jumps up on the table and starts dancing away. After sometime passes the man says "nice legs" and she replies "really!"

He says " really, that table should have collapsed along time ago"
 

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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint; the phone rings
and he jumps up shouting, “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”
 
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I was in Walmart the other day, when I overheard a nice looking female cashier tell another female employee that some guy just wouldn't take no for a answer.. that she didn't want to go out with him. I chirped in that he probably just wanted to be friends with benefits. Without missing a beat, she replied... 'I do a pretty good job of providing myself with benefits!" :p
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·

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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
“You mean a Martini?”
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
 

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I must be just dumber than a box of rocks....I've read it 20 times and still don't get it.
read that joke last night and just got it lol Ivan Pavolv.. you almost need a degree for that one :p

Still decoding the 2 finger joke haha
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
read that joke last night and just got it lol Ivan Pavolv.. you almost need a degree for that one :p

Still decoding the 2 finger joke haha
Hermit is a brilliant dude! He's on a plane...above me.
I don't get the 2 finger joke either.

That's alright. I didn't appreciate monty python humor either.
 

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Hermit is a brilliant dude! He's on a plane...above me.
I don't get the 2 finger joke either.

That's alright. I didn't appreciate monty python humor either.
Brilliant? I didn't make em up. :cool:

The two finger thingy - V shape - Roman numeral for five
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Brilliant? I didn't make em up. :cool:

The two finger thingy - V shape - Roman numeral for five
No dude....I ment, your shit is Brilliant.
Your "Jokes" require thought. NOW I get the 2 Finger Joke.:cool:

Keep postin Your type of Jokes. I enjoy tryin to figure em out!! Seriously...I'm amazed at how stupid I am!!! Always thought I was pretty good at "getting shit".:cool: Evidently not!!!:D
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 

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Hunting on Sunday

I had everything planned and had told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday. My wife reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.

1. I scouted the area all summer.

2. I searched out the best location for my tree-stand.

3. I set it all up a month ahead of time.

4. I trailed the herd.

5. I picked out a trophy buck.

6. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.

7. Everything was in place.

8. Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am.

9. I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand.

10. This was destined to be an epic hunt.

11. As I approached my deer stand.








I called my wife and told her I had decided not to hunt on the Sabbath and would meet her at church. The Sunday sermon was entitled "The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways."
 
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