Bob was sitting on the plane at DFW (Dallas/Fort Worth) waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.
"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.
"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”.
The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.
Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news conference.
When Pelosi heard what Kim said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”
Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.
Four military retirees were meeting for their weekly motorcycle ride, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the cafe, meet his buddies, and take their ride.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure
out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are at the cafe gearing up for the ride.
The Zoomie says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".
The Squid says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her
eyeballs in brochures."
The Marine guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the Soldier in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this ride. I woke up, slapped my
wife on the butt and said: "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for
either sex or a motorcycle ride, and she said, '"Take your heavy jacket'".
"A golf course is the willful and deliberate misuse of a perfectly good rifle range." - Jeff Cooper
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ...I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"