I am a Marine that does things that the public would not want to know about the things my special forces team does, it takes me 4 ambien to get to sleep. With my back problem I could have got an honorable discharge but these three months I have never been so lost, it doesnt feel right to be walking around with out my gear and looking at the roof tops or windows. I went into Walmart and I stood in the middle of the store fo about an hour, I had 4 workers ask me if I need any help. I want to stay home for my children but deep inside I feel like I dont belong here. I am a specialist and what I do is kill, I know how many but it disgust me to think about. I wake up at 2:am everynight waiting to here the call sign. Am I losing my mind?? I bought a gun to try an make my time here kind of like weening off a drug like Im supposed to be slowly come off the war. I go to the shooting range and shoot 1000 rounds a day. Im getting help from a pscyciatrist to help me but I go in there and I cant seem to focus on what she is talking about. I hate to say it but this isnt home until the war is officially over. I tell the Dr. How I feel and she says I just need to adapt, but 3 months home and if I still have not adapted I doubt it will come. I hurt my back while in service and I have been a civilian for 3 months. I have a herniated disc in my back which I go in for surgery Monday. Ill have 3 to 4 weeks of PT then Im off to Florida for one month and then back to the desert, thats where I feel Im suppose to live and suppose to die. All of sould of the dead are following me. Somedays there gone and otherdays I feel them around. me, that is when Im not in combat, when my Team gets called all of this BS goes out the window and I know my task and I execute. We have taken down some Hi rank officers that doesnt make the news but I gaurantee you that we are there doing the jobs the Army, Navy or airforce cant to because we get dropped of 20 to 30 miles from our objective and we get the job done. I have seen two of my best friends die right next to me. The Enemy was out of bullets so I drop my gun and gave my friends the justice they deserve. I have 5 scars that will never heal from that fucker pulling a knife. That was his falut. Actually this has been the most I have talked in months. I thank you all who are here to listen. Sleep good at night because I will fight for your honor and freedom so you can live a good like. Sepmer fi Special Forces. I have been trying to play Joe Scmoh who has just bbaought a new Glock 21 and there are some great guys on here which I truly like getting responses from, it makes me feel more domesticated and I thank you. Maybe this is the steps for my first stage of becoming more and more like a civilian. I truely thank you for being so kind and I am sorry for putting on a front about needing help with the guns, I just didnt know how to talk to people. If you have ever spent years over seas its almost like you have to learn to walk again when you become a civilian. I requested that I go back but I want to be with my kids. Maybe talking with you guys can help me adapt to civilian life and they have me so jacked up on medication for my back which I hate because they make me loopy and my whole body is numb so If I mispell anything its because of those damn medications. I hate themm, I was born bread and fed to let your senses be your eyes and these meds make me feel like a zombie and I would get my butt kicked if I was in CCQ on these pills. Thank you guys and women for listening. I hope I can talk again very soon.